Where are the Children?
In The Myths of Happiness, psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky discusses our expectations and how we sometimes expect long-term happiness in unrealistic ways. In chapter three, she discusses how people have unrealistic expectations of happiness, once you have children.
“Having children is costly, exhausting, stressful, and emotionally draining… Furthermore, marital satisfaction soars after the last child leaves the home. …parents are less happy. For example, in one oft-cited study, working mothers… judged taking care of their children as only slightly more enjoyable than commuting and housework” (pg 85).
Okay, so some people (women, primarily) do not find parenthood particularly enjoyable. But – that statement comes with an asterisk. Actually, if you are: female, young, unmarried, and unemployed and if your children are “very young or adolescent, step, or troubled” – parenthood makes you less happy and less satisfied with your life and your partner.
That is a “duh” moment. Einstein said, “The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking” (unfortunately, too often at tax payer expense!). Everyone knows that God designed children to be produced through the union of both a man and a woman. But it is also true that children need to be trained and disciplined by both a man and a woman. The father’s psyche is different from the mother’s psyche and both contribute to the overall health and growth and mental development of both the son and the daughter.
But parenthood does require sacrifice and far too many parents bring children into the world without first counting that cost. If someone does not like getting up at 3:00 AM to feed or change a diaper, he better hope his wife gives birth to a five-year old!
Lyubomirsky writes that the down-side of parenthood is that “you must say goodbye to risky adventures, spontaneous intimacies, and spur-of-the moment opportunities” (86). I suspect that most of us Christian parents would argue with that to some degree. Children change the situation at home, it is true. But the tradeoffs – with disciplined children – far exceed what you have to give up. The Bible teaches us how to discipline our children so that they are not a headache to rear.
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Lyubomirsky writes, “we may benefit by focusing on what our children impart to us that may not be captured by the question, ‘Are you happy?’” The bottom line is that parents who spend time with their children – both teaching and having fun – find greater meaning in life. “Indeed, 94 percent agree that, despite the heavy costs, the rewards of being a parent are worth it” (87). At the same time, “the regret of not having had children, or not having had more children, is a prevalent one.”
So, the Bible – Christianity – teaches us how to be parents and how to be good parents. Christian parents are not surprised that parenting takes a lot of time and they do not grudgingly give up their own time because they realize they are blessed by God to have children, that children are a gift from God (Psa. 127:3).
Paul’s words in Philippians 2:3 apply to parents as much as any relationship: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.”
Christianity, as it is, is adapted to man, as he is.
–Paul Holland
