There are about 3,000 known species of termites. Termites are known as detritivores because they eat detritus, or waste from decayed organisms. They are not located in the same order as ants; they are in the same order as cockroaches. Termites are important for ecological reasons – they break down and recycle plant matter. Because they eat almost anything derived from plant material, they can cause considerable damage.
The “termites” of a marriage relationship – or any relationship for that matter – is resentment. Resentment is bitterness that results when we feel like we have been mistreated by someone in some way.
If we are not careful in our relationships, resentment will cause us to keep an account of the bad things that our spouse has done to us or against us. Marriage counselors call this “gunny sacking.” You remember all the bad things and you continue to use them against your spouse. He or she makes you upset and you say, “You always…” or “You never…” or “Remember the last time you…”
So, what can you do to get rid of this “termite” in your marriage? How can you rekindle a lost or perhaps near-lost relationship?
FIRST – DO YOU WANT TO REKINDLE THE RELATIONSHIP?
Do you want to seek revenge, or do you want reconciliation? Do you want to forgive? Revenge or forgive? That is the fork-in-the-road that everyone in every close relationship has to deal with at some point in time.
When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, God went looking for them. That is the whole story of God’s approach to man. We are introduced to Abram/Abraham in Genesis 11:26. But we know nothing of Abram spiritually speaking until Genesis 12:1 when God is the first to approach Abram – “Now the Lord said to Abram…”
So, to rekindle a lost relationship, to kill the termite of resentment in your marriage, you have to be the one who seeks continuously reconciliation.
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None of us are mind readers. But far to often, we expect our spouse to know what we are thinking. Especially is this true when our spouse has done something that angers us. We think, “He/she KNOWS what he/she did wrong!” But, honestly, maybe they don’t!
Let us look to God, again, as our supreme example. How many times has God punished someone without letting them know what the sin was? Can God ever be accused of not communicating His will to man?
In whatever way your spouse is doing something that is damaging to your relationship, you need to calmly, lovingly, and patiently explain to him or her what it is. What is causing the resentment?
THIRD – RELEASE THE RESENTMENT:
One of the definitions of forgiveness is “release” – Mark 1:4 and 1:18. Micah said of God (7:19): “He will again have compassion on us; He will tread our iniquities under foot. Yes, You will cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.”
Forgiving does not mean that we completely forget. Indeed, it may be hard to forget. But forgiveness does mean that we do not let the sin influence how we respond to or treat the other person.
If you will remove the termite of resentment, intimacy and romance in your relationship can blossom!
–Paul Holland
