Our society has gone to an extreme with the “self-esteem” question. Participation trophies is Exhibit A. Fifth-grade graduation ceremonies (in my opinion) is Exhibit B. Unfortunately, it seems that some Christians have overreacted to this extreme by suggesting that self-esteem is not really important to develop or that becoming / being a faithful Christian is all that is needed to have a healthy self-esteem.
What is “self-esteem?” “Esteem” comes from the Latin aestimare, which means “to value, to appraise, to estimate.” So “esteem” means “to have great regard for; value highly; respect; to hold to be; consider; regard.” “Self-esteem” would then be “to have great regard for yourself, to value yourself highly, to respect yourself.”
I wish to share some suggestions offered by Bill Flatt in his book Restoring My Soul: The Pursuit of Spiritual Resilience, published by the Gospel Advocate, along with some personal reflections. I would suggest this book to any preacher, Bible class teacher, or Christian who would like to have some biblical responses to common emotional issues.
What is the difference between self-esteem and arrogance? How can we develop one without falling into the trap of the other? Brother Wendell Winkler, in a Bible class at Faulkner, said to the “preacher boys” that we should be confident but not cocky. What is the difference?
Today, I wish to focus on developing self-esteem in our children. Next Friday, I’ll consider self-esteem in ourselves…
Children are a gift from the Lord, the psalmist writes in 127:3. That makes each one special. Certainly, each one is unique. They need to know that and parents and teachers need to make them feel that. In a line from the Disney cartoon The Incredibles, the antagonist said, “When everyone is special, then no one is special.” But that’s not true. Each child is made in the image of God in a unique and special way. That doesn’t mean any child is better than any other. But they are all unique.
Children need to feel safe and secure at home. Moms and Dads need to make sure their home is a haven of safety, physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. If children know that parents are doing their best to provide for all their needs, it helps the children feel safe, comfortable, and have a healthy self-esteem.
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Spend time with your children. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your children.
Teach your children proper values. Clothes do not make the “man.” Help children strike the proper balance between taking pride in their appearance and going to the extreme. Allow your children to be children; don’t force them to be more mature than their age will handle.
Help your child to overcome setbacks and don’t allow them to give up too early. Find the balance between seeing your child quitting when the going gets rough and when they are in “over their heads.” When they make mistakes, allow them to feel the consequences of those mistakes. Don’t be a “helicopter”? mom or dad, “hovering” over your children to make sure they don’t make any mistakes. Yet, forgive, forgive, forgive.
Show affection with appropriate physical contact. My girls, at ages 15 and 17, still love to be hugged and kissed on the cheek before bedtime and before I leave for the office. It conveys the message that they are appreciated, loved, and accepted. That makes them feel secure.
Certainly we should not overlook how important it is for them to develop a strong faith and conviction in God. Help them in that area. Help them understand that when their weakness shows through, the strength of Christ will most keenly be felt (2 Cor. 12:9).
Paul Holland
