What is criticism? How do you handle criticism? Overcoming your fear of criticism will require practice. But it is not difficult to develop and master this skill. The positive impact on our self-esteem will be tremendous.
When it comes to dealing with criticism, the first thing we have to tell ourselves is that the critic’s words do not affect our self-esteem. It is our thoughts about the critics’ words that affect our self-esteem. If someone whom we do not know and have no regard for were to criticize us, we would likely brush off the critic because we do not know him/her and have no regard of them. But if our friend were to same the exact same thing, it might hurt our feelings. Through this example, you can easily see that it isn’t the words themselves that affect our self-esteem. The words were the same. But our perception is different because one person was a stranger and the other was a friend.
So, when we are criticized, we should objectively examine the words of the critic (trying to ignore the tone of voice, etc. that are not relevant). Then, recognize whether the criticism is true or false. If the criticism is false, you have a basis on which to respond to the critic. If the criticism is true, you have a different basis from which to respond.
Dr. Burns gives simple verbal techniques to use when someone criticizes you (Feeling Good, 135ff):
1. Empathy – Ask the critic to be more specific. Attempt to see yourself through the eyes of the critic. You offer grace (i.e., respect) to the critic by being willing to listen. When you help him get specific, it helps him realize that not all you do is wrong and you have something on which you can focus in further dialogue and/or improvement.
2. Disarming the critic – When you get criticized, you can either: 1.) Criticize back, which the Bible warns is dangerous (Rom. 12:17); 2.) You can internalize the criticism, walk away, and fret over it; 3.) or Disarm the critic. How can you do that?
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Find some way to agree with something your critic is saying! Prov. 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Some responses you might offer are: “You’re absolutely right… I probably did… Other people have pointed this out to me at times… You’re also right…” The critic frequently backs up and softens his own criticism.
Also: Listen! See the wisdom of God in Prov. 11:12; 15:28; 17:27; 18:2.
3. Feedback and negotiation – When you have understood the critic’s criticism as thoroughly as possible, you can then tactfully and assertively negotiate over real differences. You can express your point of view objectively, with an understanding that you might be wrong. Direct the conflict towards the facts rather than your or his personality or even making everything a matter of pride.
Finally, if the critic persists in making the criticism and is no longer listening to your efforts to make corrections or appropriate defense, you have to be assertive about repeating yourself and what you have agreed to do. At some point, hopefully, the critic will tire of the criticism and quit. But, then again, there are some people that just will not be satisfied (Rom. 12:18). You may have to do your best to avoid them.
Paul Hollad
