Parents often focus on changing behavior to such an extent that we overlook the importance of changing the heart. Yet, changing behavior is short-term (“Don’t touch this vase.”) while changing the heart is long-term (“Respect things especially that don’t belong to you.”) First, let’s look at God’s word…
In James 1:22-25, James writes: “But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.”
When I was young, I would tease endlessly until one or the other parent corrected me. I was teased as a younger brother so when I became an older brother, I continued the tradition. But my parents wanted me to stop; it was disrespectful to my brother.
Parenting is training our children to think maturely. If we just focus on changing behavior, there are only so many punishments we might use. If we haven’t trained our children to bring their hearts into subjection to God’s word, then they become adults who still need coercion or correcting or external behavior modification.
When we children did not do a chore correctly, my mom would look over it and make us do it again. She would often say, “If you don’t have time to do it right the first time, where are you going to find time to do it a second time?” Dad’s correction was a little more picturesque: “Son, you need to lick your calf over again!”
When we have our children back up and do an action a second time, correctly, then we are training them to modify their own behavior and keep it within God’s boundaries. If your parent made you return something you stole as a child, this is what we are talking about. There is a broad biblical principle: “Do not steal” and a parent is training the child to change his or her behavior based on that principle.
Children, of course, don’t always know what the right thing is. That’s where parents have to show them their behavior as it is mirrored in the word of God. It will take time, but with practice good habits become ingrained. You might even choose to take away a privilege – not temporarily but indefinitely – until the child shows a pattern of corrected behavior.
Teach your children the Truth and then have them show you they understand the Truth by modifying their behavior appropriately. That is a good indication they have embraced the Truth in their hearts.
Paul Holland
