“Self-esteem” was a hot catchphrase when I was in high school. I certainly saw the need for a healthy self-esteem. But as I have matured, I have realized that a healthy self-esteem should have its origin in self-respect, which in turn has its origin in living like Christ. Paul writes the “fruit of the Spirit” in Galatians 5:22-23:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
These are the qualities Christian parents want to develop in their children. We should never lose sight of that goal nor get distracted with other things. If we see poor behaviors in our children, we should identify them, even lump them together if they are similar, and see what “works of the flesh” they reflect and/or which “fruit of the Spirit” they show needs to be developed.
All of these fruit of the Spirit have their origin in the heart; that’s why parenting is primarily a heart-issue rather than a behavior issue. If we see a certain quality that seems to be lacking in our children, then we need to help them see that, reflect on the teachings and behavior of Jesus, and work to develop those qualities in their hearts.
Consequently, when we correct our children, where is our focus? Is it on the behavior (which is short-term) or is it on the heart / character quality (which is long-term)?
It would likely help as well not to focus on the “works of the flesh” as much as focusing on the “fruit of the Spirit” that we want to develop. I remember Rachel had a coloring book she had purchased at some point when the girls were little. There were several coloring pages devoted to each positive quality when a child was in different settings. So, we talked about “kindness” within a child, in different contexts. That was a very helpful coloring book!
We want to develop in our children the willingness to obey, respect, endure, awareness of others, persistence, self-control, and thankfulness. Train your children to send out thank-you cards when they receive gifts and tell them why it is important.
If your child is illustrating a lack of gratitude or a short-temper, you might say something like, “You know we are working on the quality of… I don’t see that in you right now. Here is a way to respond in a way that is more like Jesus wants you to respond…”
As a preacher, I really appreciate it when someone tells me specifically why the lesson was important to them (or what they did not like about it). A generic “good lesson” is nice, but not nearly as helpful. Keep that in mind. Praise specific behaviors and tell your child why that behavior is desirable. You will see more of it.
Paul Holland
