At the moment I am writing these thoughts, I am doing pre-marital counseling with two separate couples here in our congregation. One thing I continue to emphasize is that they should do whatever is necessary to build and protect their relationship with each other. Whatever hurts or weakens that relationship, they should stop. The same thing is true with parents and children.
First, the Bible… Under the guidance and influence of the apostles, the early church was “of one heart and soul” (Acts 4:32). To have this relationship, you must: 1) spend time together; and 2) communicate with one another. A similar comment is made by Jonathan’s armor-bearer to Jonathan in 1 Samuel 14:7: “Do all that is in your heart; turn yourself, and here I am with you according to your desire.” We’re not talking, of course, about doing all that your children desire; that would be catastrophic. But we are talking about building a relationship. When I was in college under brother Wendell Winkler, he told the preacher-students to say “yes” to their children as often as they could, because there would be plenty of occasions to say “no.”
In 1 Peter 4:8, Peter writes: “keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” Parents cannot get so focused on discipline, discipline, discipline that they forget relationship. Brother Winkler also strongly advised us students to take time off in the afternoon to spend with our children if we have a Bible study or counseling session in the evening. He wisely advised us to adjust our work schedule so that we do not lose our children while we are trying to save others. He was very wise.
I have relearned lately that it is important to express empathy with your children. If they feel pain or discouragement, they don’t necessarily need the message “Keep your chin up!” They might need you to be sad with them. They may or may not need advice. What they do need, however, is a listening ear. That builds relationship.
When we empathize, we show love. It doesn’t mean we keep them from experiencing the consequences of poor choices. But we can emphasize with them because we understand that we too, made poor choices in the past and sometimes we still make poor choices.
While you are discipling your children, make sure you connect with them on an emotional level. That strengthens your relationship.
Paul Holland
