First, the Bible: “So the Lord said, “If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare the whole place on their account” (Genesis 18:26).
Genesis 18 is a good example of God allowing Himself to be approached by man and even to have man “negotiate” with God. God presents Himself as willing to change His plans if man would change his behavior. We see examples of this also in Exodus 32 and Jonah.
We have emphasized that parents are the final authority in the home and I do not wish to undermine at all that point. Certainly, children need to be taught and to learn how to take “no” as an answer. The world is full of “no’s.” Nobody gets their way all the time.
However, as children become older, it is important to teach your children how to negotiate. A husband or wife who refuses to negotiate is a terrible person to live with and an employee or employer who refuses to negotiate is an awful person in the work place. So how can you teach your children how to negotiate without losing your authority?
Here is a suggestion and, of course, that’s all it is. If your child is busy doing something when you want them to do something else, train them. First, they need to acknowledge what you want them to do. We should always make sure our children understand what we want them to do. And a good way to make sure they understand is to repeat back to you what you have told them. So, first, have them acknowledge what you have asked / told them to do.
Secondly, you might have them then point out the issue they are having. Have they just started playing with a toy? Have they just started a TV show? Are they involved in something that would create a problem if it was interrupted? Have them gently and respectfully point that out.
Thirdly, they should then make a counter-proposal with the appropriate humility expressed as they recognize Mom and Dad still have the final say: “Please, instead, may I…?”
You are not relinquishing your authority if you negotiate with your child or compromise with them. You are still keeping your authority and you are showing that you are approachable, flexible, and you are teaching them a skill that will last a lifetime.
Paul Holland
