First, the Bible: “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person” (Col. 4:6). There is no better place to practice speaking with grace than in the home and with your children.
There might be times when your child deserves a tongue lashing. There might be times when your child deserves an “I told you so.” There might be times when the child deserves to experience the consequences of his or her behavior. But a parent needs to be gracious at all times.
If a parent consistently yells at a child who makes a mistakes or makes a foolish choice or otherwise comes across harshly and demanding, it can steal a child’s willingness to experiment with new things. If a parent is harsh when a child makes a foolish choice, it can rob a child of the willingness to risk making a mistake.
Parents need to be wise in handling these situations. “Grace” means that the child does not deserve a soft answer or a second chance or… but Mom and Dad give it any way. I was blessed with parents who never launched into angry tirades when we kids made mistakes. Did they allow us to experience the consequences of our choices? Yes. But they also encouraged us to learn from our mistakes and do things differently and they did so with kindness and gentleness.
There were times when I was working, mowing 25 yards every two weeks, that I would get behind. I went to 7 4-H camps plus Bible camp one year; when I came home, sometimes it was raining and I could not mow grass. Then I had to leave again. My dad would mow the yards for me and, other than having to spend money on gas, he gave me the money from the work. One might say that Dad should have kept it and taught me a lesson, but apparently he believed that me going to these camps was a better learning experience than me losing the income from that work. And I don’t believe his gracious behavior encouraged a bad work ethic in me or my siblings.
Sometimes we parents get harsh with our kids, particularly when they misbehave in public, more in order to defend our own ego or reputation than to train our children. Correction needs to be thoughtful, sometimes done quietly. But we always need to remember the long-term goal is to train responsibility and perseverance and Christlike-ness. And Christlike-ness is certainly gracious.
Paul Holland
