First, the Bible: “But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth” (2 Timothy 2:23-25).
My sister is 14 months older than I am (1 year, 1 month, two weeks, and one day to be more precise!) and we use to argue all the time. And just as frequently Mom tried to get us to stop arguing. I do not know how many times she told me personally, “Son, it takes two to argue!” She was saying either: 1) Don’t bring up a topic if you know your sister is going to disagree, or; 2) Don’t carry on an argument when you know it’s not going anywhere. Speaking of my sister, it made me so mad when, to bring an argument to a close, she would say, “You can believe what you want to believe and I’ll believe the truth.” I did not know how to respond to that!
If someone wants to become a lawyer, it might be good to know how to argue. Children need to be taught, however, that arguing with Mom and Dad is not acceptable. It indicates that the heart is not submissive to the parents.
It is a better parenting skill to train your children to obey first and then discuss the matter. Train your children – by example and instruction – that she or he should be careful how they disagree with Mom and Dad. Again, take a look at Paul’s description of a good debater: not quarrelsome, kind, patient, and gentle. None of us should love the thrill of an argument more than we love the relationship itself.
Arguing creates an adversarial relationship which is not healthy among siblings nor between parents and children. When a discussion is about to erupt into an argument, train yourself and your children to make the discussion about the issue itself rather than turning it into an argument to see who can win. Work to understand your child and understand what he or she is saying and then make sure that he or she is processing mentally what you are saying. Seek understanding, not an argument. That would create a wonderful skill that is sorely lacking in our modern culture!
Paul Holland
