Practically all issues a child (or an adult for that matter) has relates to a problem within the heart, whether it is meanness or messiness or belligerence. When a parent recognizes a persistent pattern of bad behavior like this, then it is certainly time to address the heart-issue that is involved. God requires each of us to grow: “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity” (2 Peter 3:18).
Parents have to help their children grow through these issues by focusing on the bigger heart-issues or character traits that are being reflected in the behavior. Jesus frequently shifted responsibility back to His audience, for example, in commanding His disciples to feed the crowd with what they had (Mark 6:37) or challenging the audience, “Have you not read?”
Address the issue with your child by pointing out that their weakness is going to hinder their success in life and have a negative effect on their service to Jesus. Challenge your child to develop a plan, with your help, that will deal with the issue at hand and help them to move toward better behavior. All of us are tempted to do certain things, but Mom and Dad can help the child develop a plan for success so that they can choose to do the right thing instead (James 1:13-15).
We, as parents, can help train our children to talk to themselves, in their minds and hearts, and talk themselves out of bad behavior and toward good behavior, knowing that Jesus sees all we do, for better or for worse. If your child finds it difficult to develop such a plan, offer suggestions: “I saw you do such and such and it worked out well, what can you do to continue that behavior?”
The “problem,” of course, is the child’s, but Mom and Dad can help them evaluate themselves to learn to modify their behavior in order to keep it within acceptable boundaries. When the child does well, Mom or Dad can say, “Why did things go well, when you followed your plan?” When the child does not do well, Mom and Dad can say, “Did you follow your plan in this area, or do you need to modify your plan to help you have success in the future?”
If you help your child with such a plan and hold your child accountable to that plan, you are helping your child to evaluate themselves based on an objective standard. In this way, Mom and Dad become a mentor to the child. This does not alleviate the need for forms of punishment when such is necessary. But remember that discipline means “making a disciple” of your child for Jesus Christ.
When you shift responsibility for making proper decisions to your child, you are helping him or her develop respect for themselves and for those around them, including their parents and siblings. And nothing builds self-esteem better than self-respect.
Parent with intention.
Paul Holland
