First, the Bible: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently” (Prov. 13:24). This principle is reiterated in Proverbs also at: 22:15; 23:13-14; 29:15. This is probably one of the most well-known “biblical principles” of parenting. It is interesting that the “rod” is also suggested for the “backs of fools,” presumably adult fools: 10:13; 14:3; 26:3. The book of Proverbs is full of guidance and instructions for parents in raising their children far beyond this direction to spank.
Some go to one extreme and believe that spanking will cure everything. Others go to the other extreme and suppose that spanking is counter-productive by encouraging children to become violent and aggressive themselves. I will not go into further discussion about that particular argument against spanking except to suggest you read Dr. Jeff Miller’s two books on parenting, In the Way He Should Go (two volumes), available at kingsolomonpublications.org.
It is very dangerous for parents to spank when they are on the verge of losing self-control. I would not say a parent should wait until the anger has passed because then discipline might not happen at all. But a parent who is prone to lashing out in anger should not use spanking as a method of discipline unless or until he or she can keep control of anger. Spanking should not become abuse. The pain inflicted should be short term and leave no lasting marks even if the lesson can be carried into the future indefinitely.
Dr. James Dobson recommended spanking between the ages of 2 and 6. When Rachel and I had Jewell and Ana around those ages, that’s when we spanked. It doesn’t take much pain, sometimes, to correct behavior. A wise parent adjusts to the specific child. After the age of 6, many other forms of discipline can be used just as, if not more, effectively.
My dad used a belt to spank us; he kept the brown 3” belt draped over the back of the dining room chair. My dad would spank – it seemed like – until his arm got tired. When we had the girls, I decided I would use my hand. That way, I was regularly reminded not to spank too much or too long. But what seems to be most important is to hug your children after you spank them to reinforce your love and your desire to encourage them to behave properly. You are after molding their heart.
Paul Holland
