As Christian parents, we want to train our children to be internally motivated to do the right thing, even to handle their own chores. Too often, we have resorted to “bribes” to entice them to get things done. “If you do…, you can…” Sometimes, we even encourage bad behavior (using sweet snacks as an enticement), which has long-term repercussions. An even worse outcome of this type of motivation is that kids can grow up always asking, “What’s in it for me?”
Instead, parents should focus on training children to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. That means parents need to focus on the heart. That’s where our motivations begin and where our values are stored. This means parents need to think long-term and deal with character rather than simply behavior.
Parenting our children’s hearts means we need to spend time with them and know their character. Bible-based parenting is time-consuming, to be sure. But you know you have made the wisest investment when your children grow up to lead Bible studies, worship, and other acts of service. If that’s your goal as parents, you can’t short-cut that!
Think about God’s evaluation of David: “God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).
One “tool” you can use is your own heart rather than anger. Anger can be a very poor tool to use for motivation, especially if it used too much, too often, or too intensely. The kid will just think, “Well, I made mom mad!” And then he or she will wait until Mom or Dad get over their temper-tantrum and the child has not learned anything except how to avoid the parents’ wrath.
Instead, Mom or Dad could express their disappointment in the behavior of the child, how the misbehavior caused damage, etc., and how that behavior will have long-term negative consequences in future relationships and even in their relationship with God. We’re not talking so much about laying on a guilt trip (which my own dad used often), but being sincere.
Without using the Bible as a club to beat your child over the head, you can and should use it to help direct your child down the path of self-discipline as God defines it. The Hebrew writer describes this value of the Word: “For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Heb. 4:12).
Use the Bible to teach character qualities that God requires us to have. You could also make reference to the “heart” of your child while you are correcting him or her: “Calm your heart down” (for example). Also, when you praise, try to be specific in your compliments rather than generic and if you can, again, bring the Bible or Jesus’ example into the discussion, it would be a positive thing.
Paul Holland
