When we make mistakes, especially when those mistakes hurt someone (make them angry, sad, etc.), that action can lead to a healthy feeling of remorse but not necessarily to guilt. Remorse can be a healthy (appropriate) feeling of awareness that is not distorted, a feeling that you have willfully or ignorantly and unnecessarily acted in a hurtful manner toward yourself or another person that violates your own sense of fairness or justice.
But, if depression or a strong sense of shame or anxiety results (that is inappropriate), then we’re probably making some unwarranted assumptions:
- “Because I acted poorly, I am inferior or worthless.”
- “If others found out what I did, they would look down on me and I would feel shame.”
- “They might even retaliate against me or punish me in some way.”
As we have tried to point out in previous Daily Droplets, many of our thoughts are distortions of reality and if we feel feelings of guilt, we must examine them to see if they are legitimate feelings of guilt or illegitimate feelings.
We are spiritual beings and it is that aspect of our nature that contributes to the existence of our conscience. So, there are some things we ought to feel guilty over and there are some things we should not feel guilty over.
Contrast the feelings of guilt felt by Esau (Heb. 12:14-17) and the feelings of David in Psalm 32. Jesus teaches us that He came to give us a sense of joy and peace (John 14:27). To feel that joy and peace, we need to make sure our sins are forgiven through the blood of Christ. That will take care of any objective (real) guilt that we have in the eyes of God.
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But then, we might need to make up for what we have done, as Zaccheus offered to do in Luke 19:8. Giving to others will not mend the objective feelings of guilt; only the blood of Christ can do that. But, giving to others can show them that our remorse is real and it can also help us feel better about the bad we have done to others.
So, is your guilt normal and healthy or is it a distorted sense of guilt that is self-defeating? Ask yourself these questions (Burns, Feeling Good, 207):
- Did I consciously and willfully do something “bad,” “unfair,” or needlessly hurtful that I shouldn’t have? Or am I irrationally expecting myself to be perfect, all-knowing, or all-powerful?
- Am I labeling myself a bad or tainted person because of this action? Do my thoughts contain other cognitive distortions, such as magnification, overgeneralization, etc.?
- Am I feeling a realistic regret or remorse, which results from an empathic awareness of the negative impact of my action? Are the intensity and duration of my painful emotional responses appropriate to what I actually did?
- Am I learning from my error and developing a strategy for change, or am I moping and ruminating nonproductively or even punishing myself in a destructive manner?
Learning how to deal with feelings of guilt can help us have a better, positive attitude toward ourselves and others which can have a positive impact on our service to God.
Paul Holland
