There was a young man who had asked an older man, married for a long time, how he could be married for so long. The old man said, “Well, son, early in our marriage we decided that my wife would make all the major decisions and I would make all the minor decisions.” The young man thought for a minute and said, “Well, give me some examples of minor decisions you have made.” The old man smiled and said, “There haven’t been any.”
One way to avoid conflict in your marriage is for the husband to always submit to the wife’s decisions or for the wife to always abide by and do whatever the husband wants to do. If that’s the way a relationship is happening, then someone is losing or has lost their individuality. That’s not what God calls us to do. It is ludicrous and unrealistic for anyone, especially a husband or wife in a marriage, to think that he/she is always right, always has the best wisdom or most knowledge, when it comes to helping the home to function effectively and efficiently.
To resolve conflicts, we can simply follow a process that is easy to learn: Focus on the problem. Be optimistic. Be cooperative.
Notice how Jacob resolves his problem in Genesis 33:1-11… The last time Jacob saw Esau, his older brother was wanting to kill him for stealing the birthright. Now, Jacob has returned home. Notice how Jacob resolved the tension. In verse 3, he bowed low to the ground, seven times, until he came up to his brother. Humility. Verse 4 – they embraced, kissed each other, and wept. They had positive physical contact with each other. Did you have parents who made you and your brother or sister hug when you got into a fight? That is this principle here.
In verse 8-9, Esau is referring to gifts that Jacob had given to him. That’s my point about sharing with each other – and it doesn’t have to be material gifts either. Share your heart, your life with your spouse. Verse 10 – Compliment the strengths of your spouse. Compliment the positive things that he / she has done and does. Don’t let some conflict over shadow the good that your spouse does. They are not entirely worthless. Verse 11 – Recognize that all we have, including our spouse, is given to us by the grace of God. Treat him / her with that understanding and it will go a long way in resolving conflict.
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But, Jacob is not our standard for living, Jesus is. So, take a look at Matthew 18:15-17 as we think about how to resolve conflict… Although Jesus is talking about church conflict here, there is an important point to draw from this, and that is: Keep it private. Don’t drag your children into the conflict. Don’t try to line up folks on your side, your children, your friends, or whoever. Quite frankly, you could say, “Nobody in the world leaves his clothes on the floor!” And it would likely not impact your husband’s behavior one bit. Why? Because he is an individual. The problem will need to be resolved between you and him alone.
How about the principle of love, from 1 Corinthians 13:5? Marriage counselors call that “gunny sacking,” where you put your past complaints and conflicts into a gunny sack and then you pull them out whenever you get into a new conflict with your spouse. You know you have a gunny sack when, in a conflict, you say, “You always…!” or “You never have…” All of that might be true, but love does not take into account a wrong suffered. If there is a serious behavior problem, a bad habit that is wrecking havoc on the marriage relationship, then there needs to be a serious discussion about the habit. But don’t bring up past behavior.
Then, we read in Ephesians 4:26 not to let the sun go down on our wrath. What Paul is saying is, resolve your conflicts as soon as you can, while they are still fresh and don’t let them simmer and stew and create bitterness in your heart. Bitterness is a thief of happiness in a home.
With Christ’s help, we can make our marriages stronger, despite the occasional conflict.
Paul Holland
