It seems that our society is becoming better about talking about death, at least in general. But, talking about our own death is not so easy. We generally procrastinate, thinking “we’ve got time.” But death often comes unexpectedly. If the death is someone we’ve recently talked with or seen, it can be especially shocking. Depending on our relationship with the deceased, we can feel lonely. The process of growing through grief can take a couple of years for some people.
When someone loses a family member or close friend, keep that in mind – they need a listening ear up to two years or so from the time of death. Send them cards. Make a phone call to ask how they’re doing. Invite them to family activities. Help them feel useful and productive.
Different psychologists or counselors propose different series of stages of grief through which we pass when we experience death in our family. Norman Wright (Crisis Counseling, 156-157) offers six stages: shock and crying, guilt, hostility, restless activity, activities that were considered normal seem less important, and identification with the deceased (continuing his hobby or her projects).
Wright goes on to talk about “completing” grief work (159). That is, the grieving person should come to the point where he recognizes the death as it is and then can adjust to life without the deceased, and begins making new relationships and getting involved with new things. About a year ago, Rachel was talking with a woman who had lost her husband, about two weeks or more after the funeral. The woman told Rachel that she wakes up in the middle of the night, every night, thinking of her husband. Rachel wisely told her that one day, without knowing that it is coming, she’ll wake up and her mind will actually be on something else. It takes time but it will happen.
A survivor will have to continue doing certain things they have always done and may want to continue doing activities they did with their loved one. But they should not feel disloyal to the memory if they move on to something else. They have to make their life their own. But, drastic changes, such as where to live, should not be made quickly. They should reach the healing point before they make major decisions.
A grieving friend will know he or she has reached a milestone in their growth process when they envisage the future without the deceased. He or she focuses on life as they will live it without the other person: finding a job, dating, redecorating the house with only small mementos, doing things that he or she really enjoys doing.
How can you help with the healing process (cf. Wright, 161-162):
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1. Do not force the process. You might gently guide the process with prayer and encouragement but don’t force it.
2. Help him clarify his own thoughts and feelings. Help him understand the pain will pass in time.
3. Put yourself in their shoes and do for them as you would need someone to do for you.
4. Be careful what you say. Too frequently, we say too much. We philosophize or even theologize far too much, too quickly. Yes, your friend may question the love of God or His plans. But, Job also hurled questions at God. Don’t overreact to those questions. They are asked in pain. Be patient and when the time is right, later, you may return to those questions and seek biblical answers to them.
5. Don’t put a time-frame on the healing process and don’t give false hope that the pain will be gone after x-amount of time.
We’ll return to this very important subject again next week.
Paul Holland
