Paul tells us to “put aside” the sins of anger, wrath, malice, among others (Colossians 3:8). Sometimes, it seems that we have a hard time controlling our tempers. But among the fruit of the Spirit, in fact, the last one mentioned, is “self-control” (Galatians 5:23). If we are to “put aside” wrath and anger, we need to remind ourselves that we can control our anger. How do we do that? For one, we recognize that flying off the handle is not the mature response to a crisis. Exploding in red-hot verbal or physical expressions shows a lack of maturity.
Emotions, to a large degree, are automatic responses. We do not necessarily control our heart rate increasing or our pulse increasing. Sweat pops up without conscious thought. These are all part of the autonomic nervous system that is preprogramed to respond to our environment. So emotions can be natural, unplanned reactions to stimuli.
But how we respond is entirely our choice. Once our autonomic nervous system has responded, we ought to then examine ourselves, ask ourselves, “Why am I mad?” Events that make us made largely fall into two categories: things that are inherently sinful and things that are not inherently sinful. For those matters that are inherently sinful that have made me mad – how am I responding? Am I responding with righteous indignation, in a righteous manner? Raising your voice is not always wrong; nor is it always necessary.
Are the factors making me mad not inherently sinful? Then why am I getting mad? Is it because my pride is hurt? Is it because others are not doing what I want them to do? What I think they should do? Then I need to ask myself, Why do I think I always need to be right? Why do I always need to have the last word? Why do I believe/act like others have to be in agreement with me? Can I not allow someone to have their own opinions?
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We need to learn how to communicate more effectively. That means thinking through what we are trying to say and examine how we are saying it. How do I come across when I say what I say? How do others perceive me? Also, do I understand what the other person is trying to communicate? Rather than seeking to be understood first, maybe I should seek to understand the other person’s perspective first.
“He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him” (Proverbs 18:13). Look for a “win-win” solution to the disagreement. Is there a way to resolve the issue which satisfies both people? Sometimes, we also have to realize that the solution may not be compatible to both or either person and we just have to let it go. We all do not have to agree on every thing. We are unique individuals with unique perspectives.
When it comes to controlling our anger, few behaviors are more important for our inter-relationships with one another.
–Paul Holland
