“Selfish Free Zone”
We are familiar with “gun-free zones” and, perhaps, with “opportunity zones.” How might it affect our marriages and our families if we posted a sign at the entrance to our houses that said, “Selfish Free zone.” I thought of that when I recently read an article on world.wng.org on long-lasting marriages.
It is an article written by Clarissa Koh titled, “God making up for us.” It is the story of Stephen and Sherry Collins who became Protestants after the first five years of the marriage. Sherry had been a Jew but watched Jesus of Nazareth on TV while she was pregnant with their second child. While she was recovering from the delivery, she read the Bible and came to the conclusion that Jesus was the Messiah. See how powerful it is just getting people to read the gospel!?
That particular baby died in his sleep. Stephen also sought strength in the Scriptures, specifically reading in 2 Samuel about David’s response to his own child’s death, a response which Stephen said was just like his own.
The ensuing years, and six children total, would put a strain on their marriage. They went to a psychologist in the early 1990s who pronounced the two “incompatible,” a warning about seeing a non-Christian counselor, illustrating the need for Christian counselors who can navigate the anti-Christian mentality of so many in the counseling profession.
Stephen and Sherry separated but came back together. But they could not stop the fighting. Seven years later, they separated again. They both kept going to church and reading their Bibles, self-help books, etc. They had had a 26-year-old marriage which seemed to be over.
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One night, as Stephen was lying in bed in despair, he came to a startling realization. He needed to be selfless. It was a simple but profound realization in which he suggests the “‘me’ part of me died that day, sometime during the night while I was sleeping.”
Stephen was able to save their marriage by doing what Jesus did: going to serve. He found ways to serve which he had not considered before: cooking and doing laundry.
It has been twenty years now. They still fight; most couples (all?) have disagreements from time to time. But they acknowledge they are learning to give grace and accept each other. Stephen is 67 and Sherry is 64. They say that the last few years of their lives have been the sweetest. Forty-five years of marriage.
During the FHU lectureship, Rachel and I ate dinner at Brooksie’s Barn in Jackson, TN as one part of a year-long 25-year-marriage celebration. Our waitress said she would like to be married 25 years one day. I responded: “Don’t divorce. That’s how you make it 25 years.” Prayer. Humility. Selflessness. Sacrifice. Time alone. Clear communication. There are several pieces of the recipe for a healthy, long-lasting marriage. A big part of that is having a “selfish free zone” at home.
Paul Holland
