An Antidote to Divorce
Divorce touches nearly every single household in the country. It can be quite an emotional roller coaster. For some, it is a welcome relief. God’s plan did not originally include divorce but because of man’s hardness of heart, Jesus allows divorce and a subsequent remarriage, when one of the partners is sexually unfaithful (Matthew 19:6-9).
But divorces do happen. Sometimes, despite the best of our ability, a wife or husband just walks off. Sometimes it is with someone else. Sometimes it is not with someone else. They just leave. Paul recognizes that reality in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11.
In The Myths of Happiness, Sonja Lybomirsky writes about the myth that life will not go on after a divorce. I can imagine how empty one would feel to have your partner leave you and the dream of a happy home comes crashing to the ground. But, just as we adjust to good things that happen to us and adapt to that, so it is with bad events – we adapt to those as well and continue on with life.
But before divorce happens – when the marriage seems to be under strain – Lybomirsky says that the couple’s first priority ought to be to save the marriage. One thing she says to do to accomplish this goal is to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.
“…we can use positive emotions, positive thoughts, and positive behaviors to neutralize those negatives” (54). Willard Harley introduced the concept of a “love bank.” Using this process, the husband makes deposits in his wife’s bank account for every positive thing he says or does. He makes a withdrawal from his wife’s bank account for every negative thing he says or does. Ideally, he would see to it that his “deposits” far outnumber his “withdrawals.” If the reverse happens, so does divorce.
Sometimes those “withdrawals” pile up, hundreds, if not thousands. Lybomirsky says that we create networks between various negative experiences. So, when one bad thing is experienced once again, it brings back a flood of emotions tied to numerous other bad experiences. That’s when a spouse will start bringing up other things, in a heated argument, that are not directly tied to the current argument.
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Therapy would then involve breaking those networks. Remarkably, it is positive experiences which break up those networks and unbind one negative emotion from another.
In one study, it was found that for a positive, healthy relationship to grow, there need to be three positive experiences for every one negative experience. Yet, among those couples who are happily married, research shows that the ratio is more like five to one. In fact, Lybomirsky cites research done by John Gottman, who says he can predict a divorce based on the magnitude of the good-to-bad ratio of a couple’s interactions!
So, Lybomirsky – to stave off a divorce – suggests a couple keep a diary and record the good to bad ratio of experiences. Then, work to minimize the bad experiences and maximize the good experiences. Ask yourself (in her words, 57): “What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner’s life better?”
There is so much Christianity revealed in these studies. I offer just one principle drawn from the apostle Paul: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8).
To fend off divorce – or better yet, to strengthen your marriage – constantly think on the things about your spouse that are true (not just what you perceive), honorable (their good qualities), just, pure, lovely, commendable. If you control your thoughts and keep them in the positive sphere, you’ll appreciate your spouse, show them your appreciation, and have a stronger marriage.
Christianity – as it is – is adapted to man – as he is.
–Paul Holland
