I use to tell the girls when they were little and afraid of monsters that there were no monsters in Romania; they all lived in a distant land called Swaziland. A few years later, I learned that Swaziland was not a make-believe country – it really does exist!
There are a number of “monsters” that creep into our marriages that can create anxiety and ill feelings, destroy communication patterns, and dampen intimacy. Some of them are: acting superior to your spouse, constantly evaluating your spouse as if he/she is always under a microscope, intimidation, criticism, sarcasm and others.
Rather than throwing temper tantrums as children do, adults might give the “silent treatment,” or walk out on the conversation, ridicule, physically abuse, or become sullen and pout. These behaviors are just as immature and destructive as temper tantrums among children.
To build healthy communication patterns in our marriages (or other relationships for that matter), here are some suggestions:
1. Get inside the other person’s world. In other words, look at events (even your own behavior) from your spouse’s perspective. That’s what we see Ruth doing in Ruth 1:16-17.
2. Consider how powerful your words are (James 3:5) and taste them before they come out of your mouth. How will they be received and perceived? How about your tone of voice? Your body language? Take to heart the words of Proverbs 16:24: “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
3. Take a serious evaluation of your own speech habits. Are you using negative communication skills? Ask yourself, “Why?” Change your speech by changing your heart.
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4. Complaints can be good if they are constructive. But criticisms have to be couched in and overwhelmed by an over-all atmosphere that is full of honest appreciation, joy, agreement, support, and positive feelings
5. Seek to understand your spouse in an argument before trying to make yourself understood. Listen before you talk.
6. Make sure you understand what your spouse is trying to say, not what you are assuming he/she is wanting to say. A man had a stalled engine. A second man asked if he could help. “Yes, if you will push me from behind, I can get started.” But then, as an afterthought, he shouted out the window, “You’ll need to get up to about 30-35 mph to get me going!” A few seconds later, he looked out the window and the second man was barreling at him in his car – at 35 mph!
Keeping “communication monsters” out of our marriages will make them stronger and ourselves healthier.
For further help, consider these books: Loving and Caring God’s Way: Building a Strong Family by Donnie Hilliard, Nick Stinnett, and Nancy Stinnett; Communication: Key to Your Marriage by H. Norman Wright; Magnificent Marriage by Donnie Hilliard, Nick Stinnett, and Nancy Stinnett.
–Paul Holland
